Almost Lover

I kept finding half eaten candy bars on my night stand and empty Dr.Pepper cans throughout the house. What is weird about?
They weren't mine.

Being used to having a creeper a time or two, I let it slide because every conclusion or theory in my mind came to, "They must be hungry." It wasn't until I was trying to find a super fun video parody for my dear friend when we stumbled upon what the mystery creeper was really doing... he was eating food alright...and watching girls jiggle their fat rolls on youtube. Yes, there is no exaggerating it...look it up... a little "Jessicuh" and "Pecan Pie Burps" and "Sexy Chubby Girl"...there are thousands of them.. and hundreds and thousands of them on my computer history.

 I determined it was the almost lover. He had somehow taken possession of my spare key. He was cute too. And so devout to God-or so I thought.  Damn him.
 I had to pay $80 to change the locks on the doors.
Who in the hell gets off by shaking fat rolls at each other?!?

Do they not understand that there is most probably some fermunda cheese under that shit that no one wants to know about, smell or even think about. The experience in itself has ruined most of the delicious foods I loved so much.

 I always wondered why he always brought me goodies over and was so adamant on watching me eat it. wtf. fml. #creepedoutforlife

 He did make me realize one thing though, although he was creepy as shitballs and I apparently attract Feeders and Chubby Chasers :(
He made me realize, after 3 yrs, I am ready to find someone. Someone who doesn't come find me, because apparently I attract crazies, chubby chasers and anything undesirable you could think of....

 and that's why I am single.