"You're eating again..."

I feel like I am on top of my game this morning. Feeling confident that my hair is combed and my teeth are brushed. I'm all like, " ya, I showered today," in my head so, of course, I have the attitude to go along with it.

By the time I got to work, someone had left me an orange, I decided I would eat it. I am peeling my orange and the maintenance man walks by my office and says, "Geez, you're eating again!"
No Douschewad I decided to get an IV that gives me nutrients, of course I am fucking eating again. What in the world is your problem that you would ever think that that would be appropriate to say to me or any person, "Geez, you're eating again."

Trying to be a professional and shocked by the ignorant words that he so easily spewed from his mouth, I simply replied, "ya, that's what people do to survive."  I sat in silence for probably 5 minutes while I thought of all the awful responses I could have said to him.

I pray for his wife and hope to God that he gives her the patience and tolerance she needs to deal with that man. I eat food. I like food. I eat it about three times a day.

And that my friends, is why I am single.

Mornings

I don't know how a 'normal' functioning person does it. But my mornings consist of waking up a half hour late, still trying to manage a fifteen minute workout, bathing, cooking breakfast, packing lunches and persuading my child that she should probably wear pants that day and that they don't have to be the perfect shade of pink or purple. #mondaymorningstruggle.... #morelikeeverydaystruggle.
But as one would notice, when you allot an unreasonable amount of time to prepare in the morning and try to get all the things necessary checked off your list. Then it is only reasonable that some things may go unmastered. It took me ten minutes to chase my toddler around the house this morning in an attempt to brush her hair so she doesn't look like a homeless child who woke up in a box.

 It wasn't until I arrived at work today that I may have realized... my hair hasn't seen a brush in at least 48 hours :/ As I stumble into work I get the lovely greeting from the janitor, "You look happy." This is just his ridiculously nice way of saying, "I see you still haven't groomed yourself." It's almost as bad as when men say, "you look comfortable."   lol.

 To all the mom's out there who prioritize their children above themselves; and may or may not go out of the house looking similar to a wookie drinking coffee. Even if it means a few days uncombed and sporting the 'hot mess' look. Men don't see the morning struggle or the multi-tasking involved in getting a child ready and at school on time. If they did, they would love me and the hot mess that sits on top of my head. They would be cat calling me like, "Damn girl, I bet your kid is clean and her lunch was nicely packed this morning!"

 This is why I am single.

Almost Lover

I kept finding half eaten candy bars on my night stand and empty Dr.Pepper cans throughout the house. What is weird about?
They weren't mine.

Being used to having a creeper a time or two, I let it slide because every conclusion or theory in my mind came to, "They must be hungry." It wasn't until I was trying to find a super fun video parody for my dear friend when we stumbled upon what the mystery creeper was really doing... he was eating food alright...and watching girls jiggle their fat rolls on youtube. Yes, there is no exaggerating it...look it up... a little "Jessicuh" and "Pecan Pie Burps" and "Sexy Chubby Girl"...there are thousands of them.. and hundreds and thousands of them on my computer history.

 I determined it was the almost lover. He had somehow taken possession of my spare key. He was cute too. And so devout to God-or so I thought.  Damn him.
 I had to pay $80 to change the locks on the doors.
Who in the hell gets off by shaking fat rolls at each other?!?

Do they not understand that there is most probably some fermunda cheese under that shit that no one wants to know about, smell or even think about. The experience in itself has ruined most of the delicious foods I loved so much.

 I always wondered why he always brought me goodies over and was so adamant on watching me eat it. wtf. fml. #creepedoutforlife

 He did make me realize one thing though, although he was creepy as shitballs and I apparently attract Feeders and Chubby Chasers :(
He made me realize, after 3 yrs, I am ready to find someone. Someone who doesn't come find me, because apparently I attract crazies, chubby chasers and anything undesirable you could think of....

 and that's why I am single.

Why Am I Here...

Sooo...
 after years of being a serial monogomous, almost getting married to some cute boys along the way and then wallowing in my own sorrow and getting pregnant during a bender. It's been three years. I found a relationship with God and I had an almost lover along the way but besides that, haven't felt the need to date.
Until now.

 3 years without dating in your 20's...then trying to jump back in. Is almost like committing social suicide. Never a boring moment. So, I guess these are just snip its of my life.
Snips its of things that I have determined as the reasons I am single.
I make myself laugh a lot. So this is all for me. So if you don't think I am awesome. Well, fuck off :)
 If you don't get it. My hashtags are for comical use only #hashtagsforlife.
 I have a horrible sense of humor, but I will warn you...
I am THE coolest person you will ever meet lol men are intimidated.

and that's why I am single